Why I prefer plaid (now)

September 20, 2007


This birthday got me thinking about when I was young(er).  I don’t know why, but this story came to mind.  It happened shortly after(or before, the memory is fading, you know) graduating from high school.  A good friend of mine (who, like all my other male friends in high school, turned out to be gay) thought it would be fun to go to Great America (an amusement park about 3 hours away from here).

Being young, it was exciting.  Two guys, on the road, going to a far away place in a car without our parents; what could be better.  And being the big fag that I was (am), I had to get a new outfit (yes, I said outfit). So I headed to the mall to my favorite store, County Seat (I know it wasn’t Chess King), and found this polo shirt with a huge pineapple print on it.  I mean a shirt with big ,colorful, cartoonish pineapples all over it.  Front, back, sleeves; it was all about the pineapples (maybe this has something to do with my love for all things Spongebob) .  First thought…THAT’S IT!  Next to it were the matching yellow shorts. I about had a heart attack. Sold and sold!

I thought my shit didn’t stink the day we left on our big adventure.  I was so color coordinated I could make Barbie cry.  We smoked a ton of cigarettes with glee on the ride up. We gossiped about everyone else we went to school with. We had soooo much fun.

But then it got ugly.

You know amusement park rides. You’re waiting in lines that have signs telling you that you have a two hour wait to ride this ride. You snake back and forth in the rat maze of two hours of nonfun for the five minutes of fun you’re promised.

OK, I’m eighteen, I could handle that. What I couldn’t handle was running into some bitch wearing the exact same outfit as I was who was also waiting in line. I was crushed. I wanted to go all “Vera Wang made two of these for the Academy Awards?” on the bitch. The worst part was that, in those rat maze lines, my shame was repeated every ten minutes when I passed Pineapple Guy #2.

Ugh (although my friend thought it was the funniest shit he’d ever seen).

FLASHBACK UPDATE:  I forgot about burning the hulking lesbian with my cigarette while in line.


4 Responses to “Why I prefer plaid (now)”

  1. PatrickP Says:

    This is precisely the reason I tend to shop for very plain clothing.

  2. John in IL Says:

    I’ve learned my lesson.

  3. Eddie Says:

    LOL LOL….ah yes the white Honda Accord sedan…my red sweater with the white border…my Wham! hair-do…gotta love the 80’s

  4. John in IL Says:

    Eddie, it’s one of my top ten favorite moments we shared (that I remember). And I have that little viewmaster thingie we got of us together that day (as I go digging).

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