Under pressure

November 30, 2008

I’m not so much a Christmas hater as I am a hater of Christmas lights. And it’s not so much that I hate Christmas lights as I hate people who go completely apeshit overboard on Christmas lights. It’s Christmas, not fucking Vegas.

Example (sorry for the shitty pic quality):

I guess that’s not too bad either. I don’t mind holiday light displays too much if the owners take them down (or at least turn them off) before Valentine’s Day.

This is what really got me with these people:

The blob in the the middle of the picture is faux cake that says “Happy Birthday Jesus!” on it. Great. So now this is Christmas AND a fucking birthday party too? I hate birthday parties more than I hate Christmas. It’s hard enough to find and buy a present for my asshole relatives, now I have to worry about What Would Jesus (really) Want for his birthday? Think of the pressure. You need to get something that the Son of God already doesn’t have (a Kohls gift card only works if Christ needs new sheets or some scented candles). And birthday cards are a bitch too. One of those black themed “Over the Hill” cards probably would be in bad taste. I could keep it classy with something like “two millenniums is the new one millennium, my Lord”. or a Maxine card. Everyone loves those, right?


9 Responses to “Under pressure”

  1. Clark Bunch Says:

    Not far from my home is a duplex (you know, one building with just two apartments). One side is very tastefully done; red ribbons in each window, a single candle, one string of lights around the front porch. Right next door, attached and sharing a common wall, the neighbors went deep South white trash. Big huge colored lights, blinking snow flakes on one side of the walkway, light up Santas on the other. You gotta’ feel sorry for the family that did the good job, cause it looks hilarious seeing the two side by side.

    I have to level with you, too. I’m a Christian (a minister, actually) and the “Happy Birthday Jesus” business just makes me sick. You want to tackle the Easter tree thing now, or just wait? What about strings of light up jack-o-lanterns?

  2. Quakerjono Says:

    Heh, okay, I’ll admit that I would totally put up an electric light cake with “Happy Birthday Jesus” on it in my front yard. I’d do it for the kitsch value alone except I’m not sure people would correctly interpret my intentions.

    As for what to get The Lord and Savior of Mankind, well, probably a gift certificate, I should think. He’s God, let him sort it out. Either that, or you could give him your heart for Christmas.

    You do still have one of those, don’t you, lying around somewhere? Perhaps buried under all the cigarette cartons and porn?

  3. John in IL Says:

    This must be a good post if the minister gets me and the Quaker rips me (a new one).

  4. These kind of displays are one of the things that reminds me that Advent is a season of reflection, self-denial, and penitence — and that God likes to test how well you’re doing on a pretty regular basis.

    Because, after all, “peace on earth, good will to men” would be too easy to carry out if everyone else had taste.

  5. kate Says:

    Reminds me of Darryl Hannah’s character in “Steel Magnolias” when the local store had a sale so she cleaned them out of Baby Jesuses.

    I guess what I’m saying is – those tacky fucks make great drinking buddies.

    I should know. I’m related to a few. Everyone down south is.

  6. col Says:

    Love the sinner, hate the sin, and lose the cheesy lights.

  7. PatrickP Says:

    My college friends and I used to yell, “CHRISTMAS!!” very loudly everytime we drove past a place like this. There’s Christmas. And then there’s CHRISTMAS!!!

    Also, Christmas is not really a “happy birthday baby Jesus” sort of day. It’s really supposed to be the beginning of the story of a man who was born to suffer and die. It’s all really quite dark and mysterious and beautiful. Tacky Christmas decorations, poorly sung Christmas songs with lame lyrics, Christmas shoppers trying to out due what they did the year before, savages who trample people for deals on stuff they’re probably gonna use themselves, children’s choirs (Oh my God! The children’s choirs!), and stupid TV specials about what is supposedly the “true meaning of Christmas” are all a bunch of bullshit.

  8. superdave524 Says:

    My favorite awful Christmas scene had the creche with a Santa in it. I’d like to believe it was intentional.

  9. PatrickP Says:

    And don’t get me started on the freaking crosses in Christmas displays like the one above. That’s EASTER jackholes!

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